Saying Goodbye

Really just need to write right now. Having to say goodbye is the hardest thing in the world. To a man who was a good husband, father, papa, and friend. It all seems so quick. I have spent the whole day trying to answer questions that I don't know the answer to. Just to find so peace.
What happens when you are waiting to cross over? And I have just help on to that God really does love us and that it will not be a scary time or place. Instead a peaceful journey. I don't know why I question these things. I feel as though I should know this. But for some reason I have been shaken to the core. Everything just seems so scary right know. Life is so fragile. Its here then its gone. Love is the most beautiful gift we have. And to have to lose someone you love seems so cruel. My heart aches for Grandma. To lose a life long friend and a husband. Ughh I know that is devestating. And for my Dad. I dont know what I would do. But time heals and though our lives will be forever changed. We heal. And the wounds heal.
And from hear on out when ever someone around me losses someone. I will NEVER say "I am praying for you?" I understand that. But what is that? It just sounds so distant. Why cant anyone say " That sucks" or something like that. And what is wrong with people that say "well you know your Grandma will be next" WHAT? Do you really think thats what I want to hear right now? I promise to just me a listening ear and an open shoulder from hear on out.
I know that your suffering is drawing to an end. And I know we will see each other again. But Oh how I will miss you. I will miss the your voice on the phone saying Well Hello Pumkin. I will miss hearing the "Do you Yike" story coming from you. I will miss watching you cook a turkey. I will miss you in the kitchen cleaning up after Grandma's feast. The Certs in with the change in your Papas Pockets. Your Mac and Me whistle, and teasing you about needing singing lessons. These are just a few of the things that will be missed. You where and amazingly awesome papa. And I love you so.

It seems like the last few weeks drama has been slapping me in the face like a wet towel. And I dont function well with this. But in the past few weeks I have also noticed I need to check myself. A VERY wise women AKA my Mom. Told me once " That offense can not be given. It can only be Taken" Words that stick out in my mind more then anything. But always seem to scurry when I need them most. I have always been a people pleaser. I care deeply what people think about me. And with that I seem to dance around things. Never give straight answers, and keep my mouth shut. In fear I might offend someone, of shock them with what I really think. And with this I see myself being this kitten like women. Instead of the Lioness I want to be. I am quick to take offense at others and hold on to grudges like they are going out of style.
I have been playing this balancing act overtime lately. Just trying to remain copacetic with everyone. And have lost focus on my "Star Player" ME.
So Im looking me in the face and saying "You can not please everyone." Its ok to have opinions.

You Are My Sunshine!

Cadin Bug
This is my oldest he is what set my life in motion. I was living a wild life style. What we refer to at the "Stoner Days." My life had hit rock bottom, lost myself, my car, my job, and my family's trust. A baby was the last thing I thought I needed. Come to find out He was just what I needed. I had no idea what I was going to do. Gary my now husband was fighting his own demons too. I was given a chance to start things off new again for my son. We had ALOT of ground to cover. We met awesome people who help Gary get his job and find our house. And by October we where able to move into our lil house and start our lil Family.
Now he is a Free Spirited 2 1/2yo! He is such a ham. As you can see in the picture. Cadin and Buzz Lightyear are joined at the hip. He does EVERYTHING with that Toy! He reminds me every night before bed to give Buzz a kiss night night too. LOL! His laugh lights up my day! Your my Sunshine Cadin Bug!

And here's to me!

So I have wanted to start a blog for awhile now and have just been putting it off. But fast approaching it my 26th Birthday! Ahhh I feel old. So I am making a list of things that I want to do before I reach...shhh 30. And a blog was on of those things. My life is pretty simple. But never a dull moment. With my two monkeys Cadin and Styles they keep things hopping around here. So here's to me and my crazy insane lil world! Enter with caution! =0)