Really just need to write right now. Having to say goodbye is the hardest thing in the world. To a man who was a good husband, father, papa, and friend. It all seems so quick. I have spent the whole day trying to answer questions that I don't know the answer to. Just to find so peace.
What happens when you are waiting to cross over? And I have just help on to that God really does love us and that it will not be a scary time or place. Instead a peaceful journey. I don't know why I question these things. I feel as though I should know this. But for some reason I have been shaken to the core. Everything just seems so scary right know. Life is so fragile. Its here then its gone. Love is the most beautiful gift we have. And to have to lose someone you love seems so cruel. My heart aches for Grandma. To lose a life long friend and a husband. Ughh I know that is devestating. And for my Dad. I dont know what I would do. But time heals and though our lives will be forever changed. We heal. And the wounds heal.
And from hear on out when ever someone around me losses someone. I will NEVER say "I am praying for you?" I understand that. But what is that? It just sounds so distant. Why cant anyone say " That sucks" or something like that. And what is wrong with people that say "well you know your Grandma will be next" WHAT? Do you really think thats what I want to hear right now? I promise to just me a listening ear and an open shoulder from hear on out.
I know that your suffering is drawing to an end. And I know we will see each other again. But Oh how I will miss you. I will miss the your voice on the phone saying Well Hello Pumkin. I will miss hearing the "Do you Yike" story coming from you. I will miss watching you cook a turkey. I will miss you in the kitchen cleaning up after Grandma's feast. The Certs in with the change in your Papas Pockets. Your Mac and Me whistle, and teasing you about needing singing lessons. These are just a few of the things that will be missed. You where and amazingly awesome papa. And I love you so.
And this is beautiful!
ReplyDeleteThis is what the journey is about. Honoring, remembering, loving still.
(honestly, I had to laugh that someone told you that grandma would be next. wow. some people. But you know, I just don't think people know what to say so sometimes, they just say stupid things)
It does suck because it hurts. Life will be different. Change is hard. For us, this sucks.
But for Papa, this is beautiful. I posted on a facebook comment that I don't know what crossing over means anymore. I know what I don't believe. No longer believing in a concept of hell though questions what I believe about heaven.
But I do know what I believe ... what I cannot let go of no matter how hard I have tried. Peace. Whenever there has been true peace in my life, it has come at a time when i know it hasn't come from within me. I know it is something unexplainable, something super natural. So I in the core of my being, I know that Godde, if anything, is peace, is love. So I believe that what waits on the other side is complete and whole peace and love. Something beyond what we can explain or imagine.
No more suffering for Papa. No more struggling to get out of chair, no more diabetes! I don't know that it is realistic, but what I picture in my mind is Papa, with his walking stick, hiking over a mountain ridge ... and after that long hike, a big bowl of banana pudding. That would make him happy I think and that is the image I hold onto as I am saying goodbye.
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ReplyDeleteIt sucks... it hurts like hell... and you are forever changed by their loss because they were such an amazing influence. You were better because of them.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog... hope you will come back and write more.
Hugs to you, Amber!
http://poolsofjoywavesofsorrow.blogspot.com/